There is never a worse time in one's life when they reimagine heartbreak at its finest. I just found out, checking the timestamp, who exactly has taken my spot in life. My hands are shaking, my stomach is sick, there is nothing to throw up but emotion. I can see him in my minds eye and then see her. Following I am going to try and describe the exact physiological and mental aspects of getting gut shot.
My mouth has gone dry, not desert dry, but dry enough that I want water. And yet water feels like what happens when you see vampires drinking it on film, it gets in to your stomach and then it ruminates on its way down about how the exit is going to be pleasant and forces its own. My arms feel like I have gotten a shot in both of them
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
The Movie Death Scene
Have you ever really broken someone's heart? I mean actually broken it, not left them in the middle of lunch because you didnt want to spend fourth period as a couple or turned someone that obviously liked you down as a date for dance. I have been thinking about that moment for the past five days without fail, as it comes back to me each time that my brain tries to justify why she would like another guy so soon. To be honest it does FEEL soon, it has only been nine months, which is a long time to anyone that is not insane.
Breaking someone's heart like I did was something that I will never forget, I remember every detail of the room and where I was standing in it. The low dresser on my right and the mirror that she almost broke when she was going to throw my cell phone at my head. Let me be clear early on in this mission of self-discovery, it was me that broke her heart. I mean she was depressed in that hard to break free from post-collegiate way and I couldnt help her anymore. Couldnt break her out of it no matter how much I wanted to because I was part of the problem and part of the solution. But lets again be crystalline, I was the one that broke her heart.
Breaking someones heart is like watching them die in the movies, when they are gasping for their last breath and suddenly their eyes just kind of hollow out. I could see it in her even as she was screaming and crying, there wasnt a fury behind her eyes it was just a coldness. That was what stuck with me the most, knowing that I had ripped from her body every cell devoted to our love and taken it with me out the door. Their eyes go blank, just blank, and seem to disconnect with the rest of what their body is doing.
I remember the car ride to the train station as she screamed at me, I can tell she was literally trying to scream the anger out of her body to make room for something else that would soon become a haunting emptiness I am sure. Even the cat looked at me weird, my little girl, she just sort of looked at me with eyes that said, "Why are you sad today? Is there no food?"
I miss her everyday, and in 30 days I will get up.
Breaking someone's heart like I did was something that I will never forget, I remember every detail of the room and where I was standing in it. The low dresser on my right and the mirror that she almost broke when she was going to throw my cell phone at my head. Let me be clear early on in this mission of self-discovery, it was me that broke her heart. I mean she was depressed in that hard to break free from post-collegiate way and I couldnt help her anymore. Couldnt break her out of it no matter how much I wanted to because I was part of the problem and part of the solution. But lets again be crystalline, I was the one that broke her heart.
Breaking someones heart is like watching them die in the movies, when they are gasping for their last breath and suddenly their eyes just kind of hollow out. I could see it in her even as she was screaming and crying, there wasnt a fury behind her eyes it was just a coldness. That was what stuck with me the most, knowing that I had ripped from her body every cell devoted to our love and taken it with me out the door. Their eyes go blank, just blank, and seem to disconnect with the rest of what their body is doing.
I remember the car ride to the train station as she screamed at me, I can tell she was literally trying to scream the anger out of her body to make room for something else that would soon become a haunting emptiness I am sure. Even the cat looked at me weird, my little girl, she just sort of looked at me with eyes that said, "Why are you sad today? Is there no food?"
I miss her everyday, and in 30 days I will get up.
The Air Force One Post
With an astonishing five people following this tiny engine that could it is my sad announcement that I am officially TAKING THIS BITCH OVER! That's right with our illustrious co-writer busily working on a project that is going to take off faster than the Friendship 7, I have taken complete control of this blog. Please insert any evil laughter that would make you feel more comfortable with all of this.
Still more bad news folks, instead of querying the idiocies of life in general, that which were it not hilarious would probably drive us all insane, I am going to use this blog to get up off the mat. Five days ago I sent a text message to a girl that I was dating for five years, that I loved for five years and still do and probably always will. It is in my mind that love in the most natural form does not dissipate, nor is it able to falter in one place or the other, it simply takes different shapes throughout its course. I will certainly always love her, always be agitated when the last dance isnt mine, always think of the space in between her fingers as the the exact length and width of my metacarpals.
However it has been widely discussed that I should try to stop talking to her which much like a young Fonzy, my rebellious heart wants nothing more. So over the course of the next 30 days I am going to stand back up and leave the dust of this love on my jersey and start my next at bat. Five days ago I sent her a text message, four days ago she had a new boyfriend, someone in my place in line next to her at the movies, someone in my spot on the couch, someone with with their fingers where mine should have been in her hair.
You five followers, whom I am sure checked out at the first part of this terrifying emotional.....terrorism (I hate re-using words) will get to watch me stand up again. And every time I want to text her, I will put it here instead, every positive thing I loved about her, will be here as well. Out in the digital ether, among the many romantic ones and zeros passing between eharmonites and those who were matched.com will be this small letter in a bottle.
Thank you and please put your tables in the upright position, heartbreak requires drinking, so tables would just seem ostentatious.
Still more bad news folks, instead of querying the idiocies of life in general, that which were it not hilarious would probably drive us all insane, I am going to use this blog to get up off the mat. Five days ago I sent a text message to a girl that I was dating for five years, that I loved for five years and still do and probably always will. It is in my mind that love in the most natural form does not dissipate, nor is it able to falter in one place or the other, it simply takes different shapes throughout its course. I will certainly always love her, always be agitated when the last dance isnt mine, always think of the space in between her fingers as the the exact length and width of my metacarpals.
However it has been widely discussed that I should try to stop talking to her which much like a young Fonzy, my rebellious heart wants nothing more. So over the course of the next 30 days I am going to stand back up and leave the dust of this love on my jersey and start my next at bat. Five days ago I sent her a text message, four days ago she had a new boyfriend, someone in my place in line next to her at the movies, someone in my spot on the couch, someone with with their fingers where mine should have been in her hair.
You five followers, whom I am sure checked out at the first part of this terrifying emotional.....terrorism (I hate re-using words) will get to watch me stand up again. And every time I want to text her, I will put it here instead, every positive thing I loved about her, will be here as well. Out in the digital ether, among the many romantic ones and zeros passing between eharmonites and those who were matched.com will be this small letter in a bottle.
Thank you and please put your tables in the upright position, heartbreak requires drinking, so tables would just seem ostentatious.
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