A Thorough Rethinking

Getting sunburned behind your knees is the worst pain of all time. There I have said it.

Now let us all concurrently acknowledge that the claim I just made was a bigger overstatement than saying Christian Bale probably tried to beat McG to death several times on the set of Salvation. Let us take a moment to consider Bale, who is not really the LeBron of the acting world having a conversation with McG, whose credits to date are Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.

"My name is John Connor, I just dont understand why a nuclear bomb would kill someone and then defy its own logic mid-mushroom cloud."
"Christian for the last time, I needed the soundtrack to match and its called acting cause you can stop. Drink a Diet Coke for the sake of god."
"Were I not already on the hunt for T-600s I would stab you to death with your clavicle."

But honestly, getting sunburned behind the knees is like reaching the third commercial break in Heroes, its going to be so good when it goes away and you hadn't really noticed how frequent they are but for the love of television I cant see another offer for Vonage. I believe that one is unable to protect the vaunted behind the knee area from the suns vengeful ways. Its our own personal death star port.

I mean I put on enough sunscreen yesterday to protect Macauley Culkin from a sunburn and yet when I woke up yesterday there it was, the small pang of the universe smiling down. Really I felt it when the shower went on and I had to yell, "Oh sweet Christ no" to most of downtown San Diego. So it is simple, the random pains of life are in the following order;

1. Stubbing ones toe in the middle of the night, hard, that kind of hard that makes you whisper in to the night, "Broke it, definitely broken this time, son of a bitch."

2. Closing any part of you in anything with a hinge. The brief moment of violence is enough to make you want to sneeze with pain right now.

3. Biting ones lip and or tongue. It feels like you have spontaneous syphilis and that the pain will never ever go away so I hope you like soup and hate sour candy.

4. Sunburn behind knees. Also acceptable are sunburned under your eyes or anywhere that you absolutely know you put on sunscreen but forget to reapply after "extensive toweling."

5. Waking up with a crick in your neck or your back messed up. It would be way cooler if you were in the octagon while sleeping but the fact that the pain is more than likely due to having your face shoved in to a mattress is a little demoralizing for that early in the morning.