There is never a worse time in one's life when they reimagine heartbreak at its finest. I just found out, checking the timestamp, who exactly has taken my spot in life. My hands are shaking, my stomach is sick, there is nothing to throw up but emotion. I can see him in my minds eye and then see her. Following I am going to try and describe the exact physiological and mental aspects of getting gut shot.
My mouth has gone dry, not desert dry, but dry enough that I want water. And yet water feels like what happens when you see vampires drinking it on film, it gets in to your stomach and then it ruminates on its way down about how the exit is going to be pleasant and forces its own. My arms feel like I have gotten a shot in both of them
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
The Movie Death Scene
Have you ever really broken someone's heart? I mean actually broken it, not left them in the middle of lunch because you didnt want to spend fourth period as a couple or turned someone that obviously liked you down as a date for dance. I have been thinking about that moment for the past five days without fail, as it comes back to me each time that my brain tries to justify why she would like another guy so soon. To be honest it does FEEL soon, it has only been nine months, which is a long time to anyone that is not insane.
Breaking someone's heart like I did was something that I will never forget, I remember every detail of the room and where I was standing in it. The low dresser on my right and the mirror that she almost broke when she was going to throw my cell phone at my head. Let me be clear early on in this mission of self-discovery, it was me that broke her heart. I mean she was depressed in that hard to break free from post-collegiate way and I couldnt help her anymore. Couldnt break her out of it no matter how much I wanted to because I was part of the problem and part of the solution. But lets again be crystalline, I was the one that broke her heart.
Breaking someones heart is like watching them die in the movies, when they are gasping for their last breath and suddenly their eyes just kind of hollow out. I could see it in her even as she was screaming and crying, there wasnt a fury behind her eyes it was just a coldness. That was what stuck with me the most, knowing that I had ripped from her body every cell devoted to our love and taken it with me out the door. Their eyes go blank, just blank, and seem to disconnect with the rest of what their body is doing.
I remember the car ride to the train station as she screamed at me, I can tell she was literally trying to scream the anger out of her body to make room for something else that would soon become a haunting emptiness I am sure. Even the cat looked at me weird, my little girl, she just sort of looked at me with eyes that said, "Why are you sad today? Is there no food?"
I miss her everyday, and in 30 days I will get up.
Breaking someone's heart like I did was something that I will never forget, I remember every detail of the room and where I was standing in it. The low dresser on my right and the mirror that she almost broke when she was going to throw my cell phone at my head. Let me be clear early on in this mission of self-discovery, it was me that broke her heart. I mean she was depressed in that hard to break free from post-collegiate way and I couldnt help her anymore. Couldnt break her out of it no matter how much I wanted to because I was part of the problem and part of the solution. But lets again be crystalline, I was the one that broke her heart.
Breaking someones heart is like watching them die in the movies, when they are gasping for their last breath and suddenly their eyes just kind of hollow out. I could see it in her even as she was screaming and crying, there wasnt a fury behind her eyes it was just a coldness. That was what stuck with me the most, knowing that I had ripped from her body every cell devoted to our love and taken it with me out the door. Their eyes go blank, just blank, and seem to disconnect with the rest of what their body is doing.
I remember the car ride to the train station as she screamed at me, I can tell she was literally trying to scream the anger out of her body to make room for something else that would soon become a haunting emptiness I am sure. Even the cat looked at me weird, my little girl, she just sort of looked at me with eyes that said, "Why are you sad today? Is there no food?"
I miss her everyday, and in 30 days I will get up.
The Air Force One Post
With an astonishing five people following this tiny engine that could it is my sad announcement that I am officially TAKING THIS BITCH OVER! That's right with our illustrious co-writer busily working on a project that is going to take off faster than the Friendship 7, I have taken complete control of this blog. Please insert any evil laughter that would make you feel more comfortable with all of this.
Still more bad news folks, instead of querying the idiocies of life in general, that which were it not hilarious would probably drive us all insane, I am going to use this blog to get up off the mat. Five days ago I sent a text message to a girl that I was dating for five years, that I loved for five years and still do and probably always will. It is in my mind that love in the most natural form does not dissipate, nor is it able to falter in one place or the other, it simply takes different shapes throughout its course. I will certainly always love her, always be agitated when the last dance isnt mine, always think of the space in between her fingers as the the exact length and width of my metacarpals.
However it has been widely discussed that I should try to stop talking to her which much like a young Fonzy, my rebellious heart wants nothing more. So over the course of the next 30 days I am going to stand back up and leave the dust of this love on my jersey and start my next at bat. Five days ago I sent her a text message, four days ago she had a new boyfriend, someone in my place in line next to her at the movies, someone in my spot on the couch, someone with with their fingers where mine should have been in her hair.
You five followers, whom I am sure checked out at the first part of this terrifying emotional.....terrorism (I hate re-using words) will get to watch me stand up again. And every time I want to text her, I will put it here instead, every positive thing I loved about her, will be here as well. Out in the digital ether, among the many romantic ones and zeros passing between eharmonites and those who were matched.com will be this small letter in a bottle.
Thank you and please put your tables in the upright position, heartbreak requires drinking, so tables would just seem ostentatious.
Still more bad news folks, instead of querying the idiocies of life in general, that which were it not hilarious would probably drive us all insane, I am going to use this blog to get up off the mat. Five days ago I sent a text message to a girl that I was dating for five years, that I loved for five years and still do and probably always will. It is in my mind that love in the most natural form does not dissipate, nor is it able to falter in one place or the other, it simply takes different shapes throughout its course. I will certainly always love her, always be agitated when the last dance isnt mine, always think of the space in between her fingers as the the exact length and width of my metacarpals.
However it has been widely discussed that I should try to stop talking to her which much like a young Fonzy, my rebellious heart wants nothing more. So over the course of the next 30 days I am going to stand back up and leave the dust of this love on my jersey and start my next at bat. Five days ago I sent her a text message, four days ago she had a new boyfriend, someone in my place in line next to her at the movies, someone in my spot on the couch, someone with with their fingers where mine should have been in her hair.
You five followers, whom I am sure checked out at the first part of this terrifying emotional.....terrorism (I hate re-using words) will get to watch me stand up again. And every time I want to text her, I will put it here instead, every positive thing I loved about her, will be here as well. Out in the digital ether, among the many romantic ones and zeros passing between eharmonites and those who were matched.com will be this small letter in a bottle.
Thank you and please put your tables in the upright position, heartbreak requires drinking, so tables would just seem ostentatious.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Meetings
Notes on meetings:
for some (managers) it is often more important that the participants are present than actually participating. This ensures that the real reason for the meeting, so that that manager can flex some sense of self importance, is met. For without an audience would the train wreck be heard in the woods?
This is amplified further when the participants are teachers. The almost immediate de-evolution of the human brain and general tenets of conduct is staggeringly quick. Teachers, in general, do not like or, in their minds, need to be taught.
When one adds to the mix of flame and dynamite the truth that people dont actually NEED to be there you have the makings of a revolution.
for some (managers) it is often more important that the participants are present than actually participating. This ensures that the real reason for the meeting, so that that manager can flex some sense of self importance, is met. For without an audience would the train wreck be heard in the woods?
This is amplified further when the participants are teachers. The almost immediate de-evolution of the human brain and general tenets of conduct is staggeringly quick. Teachers, in general, do not like or, in their minds, need to be taught.
When one adds to the mix of flame and dynamite the truth that people dont actually NEED to be there you have the makings of a revolution.
Meeting Stream of Consciousness
9:18 am
There is a good chance that this meeting will never end. I am starting to see similarities between this meeting and the later Star Trek episodes. Q should be walking in at any moment, though I dont see any equivalent to Diana's fortunately tapered outfit next to this command console.
9:21 am
The instructor just referred to something in this meeting as "the cool part." I knew I have seen this guy before. He was the good kid in 1950 peer pressure videos. The one that said no to marijuana and then did the next video about going to Prom alone.
9:23 am
The person normally entrapping us in these meetings, the Meeting Master, is currently slumped in his chair. All hail the new Meeting Master, an enlightened man brought to his knees by the fury of technology. Thank you Al Gore.
9:27 am
For all of you in the journalism departments out there. The MM just said, "Oh hey there is a gadget for current events. I dont know if you want to do that, its a little depressing." And they say no one is reading...
9:31 am
Just noticed that my chair can lean back to make me feel like The Last Starfighter. There goes learning for the day. Best line from TLS,
"We wont have to worry about that until we get to the Frontier.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
"What is that??"
"The Frontier."
9:38 am
No one is ever too old for a penis joke. Just make a note of that.
BREAK
There is a good chance that this meeting will never end. I am starting to see similarities between this meeting and the later Star Trek episodes. Q should be walking in at any moment, though I dont see any equivalent to Diana's fortunately tapered outfit next to this command console.
9:21 am
The instructor just referred to something in this meeting as "the cool part." I knew I have seen this guy before. He was the good kid in 1950 peer pressure videos. The one that said no to marijuana and then did the next video about going to Prom alone.
9:23 am
The person normally entrapping us in these meetings, the Meeting Master, is currently slumped in his chair. All hail the new Meeting Master, an enlightened man brought to his knees by the fury of technology. Thank you Al Gore.
9:27 am
For all of you in the journalism departments out there. The MM just said, "Oh hey there is a gadget for current events. I dont know if you want to do that, its a little depressing." And they say no one is reading...
9:31 am
Just noticed that my chair can lean back to make me feel like The Last Starfighter. There goes learning for the day. Best line from TLS,
"We wont have to worry about that until we get to the Frontier.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
"What is that??"
"The Frontier."
9:38 am
No one is ever too old for a penis joke. Just make a note of that.
BREAK
Topic of the Week - Meetings
The following is a survival guide to surviving a meeting for teachers by teachers. Please note that this is a technology seminar, which is putting teachers and computers together. Its kind of like giving scissors to kindergarten students. Some are happily cutting construction paper and some are the lead performers in a 90's rock video.
1. Please let go of all preconceptions that teachers are actually able to teach other teachers. This is the reason Magic Eye failed, once you get your own way of looking at something it just becomes a bunch of statues of liberty and flowers in a garden.
2. Computers dont work sometimes, as much as those would like to believe there is no magic involved. I like science fiction too but unfortunately you must treat computers like kids at a water slide. Sure its fun to send seven down at a time but that can stop up the water a little bit.
3. Bring coffee, you cant smoke inside and it isnt the 50s so booze isnt served until the afternoon without stigma.
1. Please let go of all preconceptions that teachers are actually able to teach other teachers. This is the reason Magic Eye failed, once you get your own way of looking at something it just becomes a bunch of statues of liberty and flowers in a garden.
2. Computers dont work sometimes, as much as those would like to believe there is no magic involved. I like science fiction too but unfortunately you must treat computers like kids at a water slide. Sure its fun to send seven down at a time but that can stop up the water a little bit.
3. Bring coffee, you cant smoke inside and it isnt the 50s so booze isnt served until the afternoon without stigma.
Topic of the Week: Sonic Ingestion (The reply)
One of the issues with blogger in terms of a response tet-a-tet style is that the discussion goes backwords. You must read the response before you get the prompt. Much like meals eaten at community themed national chain restaurants. You are feed "something" which appears to be delicious only to discover its true substance later.
This one is brief. I promise to be better.
Mr. Moniker 0
Partner 1
This one is brief. I promise to be better.
Mr. Moniker 0
Partner 1
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Topic of the Week: Sonic Indigestion
My partner, who apparently grew up in a semi charmed Wonder Years life, has inspired me to come up with our first topic of the week. This week’s topic is restaurants we go to and then accidentally eat their food.
I think the most obvious examples of this is Fridays. While talking to several of the gentleman of the evening that are my roommates they reminded me that the price paid for a delicious mudslide is perhaps too high when chomping down a burger that has a bun which worked out harder than you did earlier that day. Its like eating at a student run restaurant except you aren’t required to be nice anymore.
Those of you who just clicked on my name to see if I am a guy and still drinking mudslides should quickly shut up because we men are guilty of nothing if not admiring the drinks that girls get to drink. The universe has doomed us to having lighter fluid as male drinks, its like going to a museum but all of our art is abstract sculpture.
While in the bay city of San Diego we ate a Fridays before going out and I was struck again on the fact that, outside of the beer it was remarkably similar to Jack in the Box. In fact its like seeing Katherine Zeta-Jones when you were expecting Jessica Biel. You are still happy cause you are drinking you just know it could have been better. Even though Jessica Biel has the skin color of a tangelo.
Now much like everyone else, I like to get a couple of shots of tequila before a movie that may not be that good. Put down the 12 steps, I saw those and took the elevator. We stopped in to a Fridays for a quick drink before Salvation (which is the only movie to ever hope that Michael Bay is coming to their rescue) and once again Fridays appeared to be the one place that everyone in the world gets their first job from.
Though Moniker talked to his family I am of the nature that if the television wasn’t on I just assume mom was mad at me. I cant fathom eating local neighborhood chain number one with anything less than fourteen televisions. That way at least the sweet neon glow can comfort me and my mudslide.
I think the most obvious examples of this is Fridays. While talking to several of the gentleman of the evening that are my roommates they reminded me that the price paid for a delicious mudslide is perhaps too high when chomping down a burger that has a bun which worked out harder than you did earlier that day. Its like eating at a student run restaurant except you aren’t required to be nice anymore.
Those of you who just clicked on my name to see if I am a guy and still drinking mudslides should quickly shut up because we men are guilty of nothing if not admiring the drinks that girls get to drink. The universe has doomed us to having lighter fluid as male drinks, its like going to a museum but all of our art is abstract sculpture.
While in the bay city of San Diego we ate a Fridays before going out and I was struck again on the fact that, outside of the beer it was remarkably similar to Jack in the Box. In fact its like seeing Katherine Zeta-Jones when you were expecting Jessica Biel. You are still happy cause you are drinking you just know it could have been better. Even though Jessica Biel has the skin color of a tangelo.
Now much like everyone else, I like to get a couple of shots of tequila before a movie that may not be that good. Put down the 12 steps, I saw those and took the elevator. We stopped in to a Fridays for a quick drink before Salvation (which is the only movie to ever hope that Michael Bay is coming to their rescue) and once again Fridays appeared to be the one place that everyone in the world gets their first job from.
Though Moniker talked to his family I am of the nature that if the television wasn’t on I just assume mom was mad at me. I cant fathom eating local neighborhood chain number one with anything less than fourteen televisions. That way at least the sweet neon glow can comfort me and my mudslide.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Apps
Remember the days when you were able to sit around the circular elevated table at your neighborhood Applebee’s surrounded by your friends. Maybe your woodshop teacher with his “out of his league” hot wife was in a booth nearby. John “Cougar” Mellencamp was a staple on the juke box and espn played solemnly on a 24” Panasonic television that could only be truly appreciated with the 3d glasses you stole from the IGA video store. A couple years before you found yourself in this moment you were likely hitting puberty and you no doubt had some sort of Patrick Swayze-esque fantasy about romantically (if not sexually) intertwining your senses with a local bouncer or dance instructor. Those thoughts have passed slightly but sitting here amongst the patrons of your local bar and grill chain you can’t help but wonder if it still could happen.
This is a simpler time - a time when things were overly important and consequentially insignificant. 90291, the original not this new fandangled show full of gorgeous people and that great actor from The Wire, was the preeminent litmus test for cool. Sideburns were, without irony, in fashion. Cellphones were on the verge of dominance and Apps were a cool way of saying appetizer.
An app, in this universe, was an order of heavily breaded- sodium infused- flash fried-mozzarella “sticks” with a side of ranch dressing generously accompanied with a tray of russet potato halves adorned with full fat sour cream and melted cheddar cheese substitute. An App was not an App as we know it now. An App would not tell us, no matter how many times we pushed it, shook it or updated it what the tides where doing in Costa Rica, what my friends were up to at that very moment, or how many calories I could possibly burn if I did, in fact, “intertwine my senses” with Barbra the local Applebee’s waitress. In fact the only similarity between the Apps of yore and today’s manifestation is the fact that Apps, digital or fried, bring people together. When was the last time you were at a dinner and saw someone order an appetizer alone… Outside of Europe?
Joined over a small portion of death on a plate people become more lively and let’s face it more fun. You may know all that you need to know about someone in the 42 character spaces provided in a twitter post on your iPhone but you don’t get to see their face as they sit across from you over a plate of jalapeño popper and lie to you about how they didn’t mean to sleep with your ex. The digital world of ones and zeroes just can’t provide that. Remember the Days when and App was food - Those were the days of miracle and wonder.
This is a simpler time - a time when things were overly important and consequentially insignificant. 90291, the original not this new fandangled show full of gorgeous people and that great actor from The Wire, was the preeminent litmus test for cool. Sideburns were, without irony, in fashion. Cellphones were on the verge of dominance and Apps were a cool way of saying appetizer.
An app, in this universe, was an order of heavily breaded- sodium infused- flash fried-mozzarella “sticks” with a side of ranch dressing generously accompanied with a tray of russet potato halves adorned with full fat sour cream and melted cheddar cheese substitute. An App was not an App as we know it now. An App would not tell us, no matter how many times we pushed it, shook it or updated it what the tides where doing in Costa Rica, what my friends were up to at that very moment, or how many calories I could possibly burn if I did, in fact, “intertwine my senses” with Barbra the local Applebee’s waitress. In fact the only similarity between the Apps of yore and today’s manifestation is the fact that Apps, digital or fried, bring people together. When was the last time you were at a dinner and saw someone order an appetizer alone… Outside of Europe?
Joined over a small portion of death on a plate people become more lively and let’s face it more fun. You may know all that you need to know about someone in the 42 character spaces provided in a twitter post on your iPhone but you don’t get to see their face as they sit across from you over a plate of jalapeño popper and lie to you about how they didn’t mean to sleep with your ex. The digital world of ones and zeroes just can’t provide that. Remember the Days when and App was food - Those were the days of miracle and wonder.
Hello
Good Morning. Welcome. I am happy, though I cannot see you, too see you hear. In contrast to Serendipitously Salacious, or SS from here on out (not to be mistaken for those horrible people that did horrible things in the past – This SS does horrible things in the present.) I would like to have a bit of a conversation with the three people that regularly read this blog. To be fair two of those people are directly responsible for siring SS and are only counted because without them we would be left with one reader (outside of yourself)
The point of this blog is loosely based on the concept that there is no point. No specific direction or tact. They are thoughts and some rantings, hopefully more of the former than the latter but the hope is that a post here may serve, not only as a mind blowing moment in your life but possibly a prompt for discussion – here or elsewhere.
I again in contrast to my dear SS have a tendency to be constricted in my verbosity. Thank you for reading our home.
The point of this blog is loosely based on the concept that there is no point. No specific direction or tact. They are thoughts and some rantings, hopefully more of the former than the latter but the hope is that a post here may serve, not only as a mind blowing moment in your life but possibly a prompt for discussion – here or elsewhere.
I again in contrast to my dear SS have a tendency to be constricted in my verbosity. Thank you for reading our home.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Captain Planet
There is a lot of thought on who one would be if a Planeteer. If you haven't thought about it, you definitely should because it could become one of the seminal moments in your life. A) Figure out what you want to be when you grow up, B) Figure out that you are not a fan of the current teenage drama (for me Dawson's Creek and it was the best way I could figure out to talk to the popular girl in 8th grade, note to self: girls only like to talk about to ACTUALLY be friends) and C) what Planeteer would you be?
Very often people will join up with a cool power but really when you think about it, Heart is the best power if you ever want to date someone. You would never have a bad date as Heart, "What you think that dog is really cute, what's so weird is that I can help you talk to it?" OR "You've always been a fan of Shamu, want to learn what her favorite color is?"
The rest of the options kind of become moot at that point. Earth is only helpful if you want to see your power explained away in the most boring possibly terms by Cal Tech engineers. Then again there is the immediate pick up line of, "Did you just feel the Earth move, cause I did. Also that was me...."
Fire is not helpful unless there are candles on the first date. Wind is only good if you like sailing and water is great...if the slide you are on just isn't fast enough. I hereby rescind my war waged against the oddly sensitive kid who was Heart. I admit that you are the secret weapon of the team as long as girls are fine that you oddly looked like them.
Very often people will join up with a cool power but really when you think about it, Heart is the best power if you ever want to date someone. You would never have a bad date as Heart, "What you think that dog is really cute, what's so weird is that I can help you talk to it?" OR "You've always been a fan of Shamu, want to learn what her favorite color is?"
The rest of the options kind of become moot at that point. Earth is only helpful if you want to see your power explained away in the most boring possibly terms by Cal Tech engineers. Then again there is the immediate pick up line of, "Did you just feel the Earth move, cause I did. Also that was me...."
Fire is not helpful unless there are candles on the first date. Wind is only good if you like sailing and water is great...if the slide you are on just isn't fast enough. I hereby rescind my war waged against the oddly sensitive kid who was Heart. I admit that you are the secret weapon of the team as long as girls are fine that you oddly looked like them.
Monday, May 25, 2009
A Thorough Rethinking
Getting sunburned behind your knees is the worst pain of all time. There I have said it.
Now let us all concurrently acknowledge that the claim I just made was a bigger overstatement than saying Christian Bale probably tried to beat McG to death several times on the set of Salvation. Let us take a moment to consider Bale, who is not really the LeBron of the acting world having a conversation with McG, whose credits to date are Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.
"My name is John Connor, I just dont understand why a nuclear bomb would kill someone and then defy its own logic mid-mushroom cloud."
"Christian for the last time, I needed the soundtrack to match and its called acting cause you can stop. Drink a Diet Coke for the sake of god."
"Were I not already on the hunt for T-600s I would stab you to death with your clavicle."
But honestly, getting sunburned behind the knees is like reaching the third commercial break in Heroes, its going to be so good when it goes away and you hadn't really noticed how frequent they are but for the love of television I cant see another offer for Vonage. I believe that one is unable to protect the vaunted behind the knee area from the suns vengeful ways. Its our own personal death star port.
I mean I put on enough sunscreen yesterday to protect Macauley Culkin from a sunburn and yet when I woke up yesterday there it was, the small pang of the universe smiling down. Really I felt it when the shower went on and I had to yell, "Oh sweet Christ no" to most of downtown San Diego. So it is simple, the random pains of life are in the following order;
1. Stubbing ones toe in the middle of the night, hard, that kind of hard that makes you whisper in to the night, "Broke it, definitely broken this time, son of a bitch."
2. Closing any part of you in anything with a hinge. The brief moment of violence is enough to make you want to sneeze with pain right now.
3. Biting ones lip and or tongue. It feels like you have spontaneous syphilis and that the pain will never ever go away so I hope you like soup and hate sour candy.
4. Sunburn behind knees. Also acceptable are sunburned under your eyes or anywhere that you absolutely know you put on sunscreen but forget to reapply after "extensive toweling."
5. Waking up with a crick in your neck or your back messed up. It would be way cooler if you were in the octagon while sleeping but the fact that the pain is more than likely due to having your face shoved in to a mattress is a little demoralizing for that early in the morning.
Now let us all concurrently acknowledge that the claim I just made was a bigger overstatement than saying Christian Bale probably tried to beat McG to death several times on the set of Salvation. Let us take a moment to consider Bale, who is not really the LeBron of the acting world having a conversation with McG, whose credits to date are Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.
"My name is John Connor, I just dont understand why a nuclear bomb would kill someone and then defy its own logic mid-mushroom cloud."
"Christian for the last time, I needed the soundtrack to match and its called acting cause you can stop. Drink a Diet Coke for the sake of god."
"Were I not already on the hunt for T-600s I would stab you to death with your clavicle."
But honestly, getting sunburned behind the knees is like reaching the third commercial break in Heroes, its going to be so good when it goes away and you hadn't really noticed how frequent they are but for the love of television I cant see another offer for Vonage. I believe that one is unable to protect the vaunted behind the knee area from the suns vengeful ways. Its our own personal death star port.
I mean I put on enough sunscreen yesterday to protect Macauley Culkin from a sunburn and yet when I woke up yesterday there it was, the small pang of the universe smiling down. Really I felt it when the shower went on and I had to yell, "Oh sweet Christ no" to most of downtown San Diego. So it is simple, the random pains of life are in the following order;
1. Stubbing ones toe in the middle of the night, hard, that kind of hard that makes you whisper in to the night, "Broke it, definitely broken this time, son of a bitch."
2. Closing any part of you in anything with a hinge. The brief moment of violence is enough to make you want to sneeze with pain right now.
3. Biting ones lip and or tongue. It feels like you have spontaneous syphilis and that the pain will never ever go away so I hope you like soup and hate sour candy.
4. Sunburn behind knees. Also acceptable are sunburned under your eyes or anywhere that you absolutely know you put on sunscreen but forget to reapply after "extensive toweling."
5. Waking up with a crick in your neck or your back messed up. It would be way cooler if you were in the octagon while sleeping but the fact that the pain is more than likely due to having your face shoved in to a mattress is a little demoralizing for that early in the morning.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
The Danger Zone, without the Volleyball scene
Welcome to the inaugural post here at The Importance of Semantics. We here at TIS believe it to be of the utmost seriousness to take joy and/or rage at that which is probably not all that important. To accentuate this I would like to be upfront about the inaugural argument (there are more inaugurations here so far than for our rock star leader, who looks better in black and white photos than most of the Grand Canyon to Ansel Adams). There is no reason for places that know that more than 70 percent of their clientèle will be availing themselves of the adult beverage after the sun goes down and still having one urinal at child height.
Ladies and gentleman of the world lets be honest about men, we are of the mindset that anything can be done. I will take the yoke of oppression on my shoulders to say that when women leave us alone we come up with some of the greatest ideas that have ever seen the light of day. Women left us alone and we accidentally started a fire, women left us alone and we developed two versions of a sport that involve the loser being the one who cant stand up anymore cause he has been hit in the face too many times, women left us alone and we started noticing that peeing standing up may be one of the last great advantages of our gender.
So when you give us the option of peeing in something that may have been intended for the lollipop guild or the creepier parts of the cast of Carnivale we will not turn away. Having to pee in a bar is much akin to having to take a hypodermic needle taken out of your face, you will live if it doesnt happen right away but the sooner is always the better.
We are the gender that has always chosen to ford the river instead of paying the ridiculous fee and taking a ferry. So many digital oxen have died because of our persistence that I may consider adding an addendum to the next bill in the senate to repopulate the ones and zeros of oxen in the greater digital plains. When we see the lower urinal it becomes a protest to our very manliness, you think this will stop me, have you seen the backyard at a house party?
Splash zones aside, I would think that would be a different and totally unnecessary post, these lower targets are what get those kids who field balls on the driving range hit. There are voices out there that would cry injustice for the shorter population of the world but to this I say that on the fifth day, between the fish and the fowl, the Lord created stalls.
Relax and revel in the invention of seat covers, if Band of Brothers has taught us anything, its that the greater good is always more important especially when there is more than one penis involved. As my first official act of this blog I would present to you the reader the ban on urinals under 3 feet and the call to action. Nay, the call to freedom that is urinals that make a man more comfortable. A man more insistent on going back outside and avoiding eye contact with the attendant that makes it possible to smell like Calvin Kline while still having hands like the disturbing man in Grapes of Wrath.
Ladies and gentleman of the world lets be honest about men, we are of the mindset that anything can be done. I will take the yoke of oppression on my shoulders to say that when women leave us alone we come up with some of the greatest ideas that have ever seen the light of day. Women left us alone and we accidentally started a fire, women left us alone and we developed two versions of a sport that involve the loser being the one who cant stand up anymore cause he has been hit in the face too many times, women left us alone and we started noticing that peeing standing up may be one of the last great advantages of our gender.
So when you give us the option of peeing in something that may have been intended for the lollipop guild or the creepier parts of the cast of Carnivale we will not turn away. Having to pee in a bar is much akin to having to take a hypodermic needle taken out of your face, you will live if it doesnt happen right away but the sooner is always the better.
We are the gender that has always chosen to ford the river instead of paying the ridiculous fee and taking a ferry. So many digital oxen have died because of our persistence that I may consider adding an addendum to the next bill in the senate to repopulate the ones and zeros of oxen in the greater digital plains. When we see the lower urinal it becomes a protest to our very manliness, you think this will stop me, have you seen the backyard at a house party?
Splash zones aside, I would think that would be a different and totally unnecessary post, these lower targets are what get those kids who field balls on the driving range hit. There are voices out there that would cry injustice for the shorter population of the world but to this I say that on the fifth day, between the fish and the fowl, the Lord created stalls.
Relax and revel in the invention of seat covers, if Band of Brothers has taught us anything, its that the greater good is always more important especially when there is more than one penis involved. As my first official act of this blog I would present to you the reader the ban on urinals under 3 feet and the call to action. Nay, the call to freedom that is urinals that make a man more comfortable. A man more insistent on going back outside and avoiding eye contact with the attendant that makes it possible to smell like Calvin Kline while still having hands like the disturbing man in Grapes of Wrath.
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